Someone once told me that at some point in your life, you'll love or date the five different types of guys - The First Love, The One That Could Have Been, The Bad Boy, The One That Got Away, and finally The One.
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THE FIRST LOVE.
Growing up in school has never been easy for me. In fact, it has and will never be the time where I actually would like to go back in time again and repeat that life all over again. Let's just put it in this way, I was never the popular girl, or the pretty one, or the outspoken one, or the smart one, or the girl who is good at everything or even the girl whom everyone loves. I don't think any of my peers noticed, but I remember clearly how I always wanted my school years to end so badly. Most of the time, I'd just be quiet, at my desk, either finishing up my homework or reading a novel just to pass time. From time to time, I would chat with my group of friends (mostly girls) a little bit at the back of the class, sometimes gossiping, but that was just it. Picture me as a really quiet and probably shy girl - yeah, that as the kind of person I was.
Fast forward to the time I was in Form Five - the senior year for all of us. I remember that I was suffering from mild depression at that time, or even probably since when I was 15 or 16 years old back then. I remember scribbling on my diary on how unwanted I felt, how rejected I felt - both from my family and friends. To think about it now, I don't even know if it was too young for me to feel that depressed at that age. I remember crying about how I couldn't fit in in school, church or group outings, crying about my looks and appearance - how other girls are just so pretty.
I was in the final year and for sure, I was happy with the fact that school was gonna end soon for me. Being Asian, of course I always do study hard, and by hard I mean willingly waking up at 3 in the morning just to memorize History even 2 weeks before the examination period. I wanted to focus on achieving good grades to get me into a good college and probably a 100% scholarship too.
But of course, my problem did never really stop.
It was then, somewhere in the middle of the year, where I actually got into a relationship - I'm sure you know how it feels, being in your first relationship, with your first love. Somehow, it made me feel wanted all over again, loved, despite all the rejection I was fighting with myself at that moment. I'm sure that this will sound cheesy, but the first love period is always the moment where you'll feel that your whole world is dreamy, and everything that is going on is about you and your partner. Late night phone calls, telling each other how was your day, or waiting by the corridor for your partner to finish their class so you could walk him/her home, somehow at that moment, it all felt just right.
But of course, we all grow up and out of that. The time will come after the schooling days, where you both have different dreams or head into different directions in life.
We hugged and wished our beloved friends goodbye and good luck, and then went our separate ways, hoping to see them again in the near future.
And so it ended there. The first love.
After that, some guy friends did come and go, but I remember telling them that I wasn't ready for anything, yet.
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THE ONE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN (BUT THE TIMING WAS ALWAYS OFF).
Then finally came my years in college, studying in an art institution, just as how I wanted it to be since years back then. My dream finally came to pass. It was then I told myself that I didn't want to get into any further relationships just to focus on my studies, and chasing my dreams. Plus, I wasn't entirely over the first one (you know the drill when it comes to first love, how innocent and naive you were at that moment). Not gonna lie, but it was really hard to fit in in college as most of my course mates spoke Mandarin. But sooner or later, I found myself feeling belonged to a small group of friends in my class - we were the 'siao' ones, really. Being in a new place, a new environment, I'm sure it's normal to look at the opposite genders and slowly examining them - not in the stalking kind of way, obviously. I remember how some guys in my batch would add you on Facebook, spam some posts on your Facebook wall and then try to get your number, so you both would communicate more often. But I never really did bothered.
Little did I know, that I had fallen for a student there. Well, it wasn't really the first person I crushed on in college, but there was just something about us. We talked a lot (on social media and WhatsApp only, of course) 24/7, even till when it was really late at night. I remember how easy it was for us to converse with one another, how he would on and off tease me, or how we would both exchange ideas on how to do our course work.
Months had passed then, and from texting to phone calls, we slowly talked face to face with each other in college. On and off there will be people teasing about us, and I would just blush, denying everything that they said. Our feelings for one another grew deeper, and that was when we thought that we should finally start dating each other.
But there was one problem.
Our religion.
I remember how mum always reminded me to date and finally married a man of my religion. I understand too the importance of it myself, how people of both different religion have their differences in their style of living and principles in life.
And so, I remember him kept persuading me to agree in our relationship. A part of me wanted to say yes so badly, because I really did like him a a lot, but at the same time I couldn't because I felt like I was doing something really wrong. Then, came a time where we did not communicate for a couple of weeks (for our own good), and I remember how heartbroken I was. Does it have to be this hard for two people who love each other to be together? I thought. Maybe in another life, where religion isn't the barrier that is between us, we would be together, perhaps. Forbidden love, was the term my best friend said to me. Drama much?
Weeks have passed, and he finally started a conversation with me. I was drop dead happy. Those periods of silence made me miss him so damn much. And I hope he did too. We started talking like the usual all over again, but I could feel this barrier between us, or the sadness in his voice.
A few months later then passed. And he asked again, if I could give us a try. Deep down inside, I knew that I shouldn't but I wanted us to work so badly. So, I said yes, but of course without the knowledge of my parents. I did felt bad, but I gave it a try anyway, because what is the worst that could happened between us?
We started going out on dates, and you should have seen how happy I was when I found out that he's got a car to take me around to places. Skip all the necessary yet unforgettable dating period, but months and a year had passed, and things were still going good between us.
It was then in my final year, where things started to get ugly. Remember how I described myself as when I was in my schooling days? I could say I was a different person back then in college. I was known as the top student (I'm not trying to brag here okay) and one of the good looking girls (not according to me) there. I can say that I was known by most people back then, both students and office staffs, mainly because of my academic performance. I never would have thought that being 'famous' would destroy me so much.
So it came to pass where the students in my batch had to vote for a president to lead them. And I was chosen. I knew at that moment, that it would be a really heavy responsibility for me, and at the same time I would wanna do well in my studies too. I was also voted as the vice president for the college's student committee, class representative and several other president-ships in college clubs.
My relationship was going through a rough patch back then. I remember coming home crying, all locked up in my room, and how I would go to class the next day with swollen eyes. We were having lots of fights and arguments. On and off, we would take a one week break from one another to figure things out, sometimes even more, and when it got worst, he would decide to break up with me.
With all the pressure from college and meeting people's expectation on my performance, I reached to a point where I got myself into severe depression. I wouldn't talked much both at home and in college, cried myself to sleep and sometimes hurt myself a little bit, and then having to wear long sleeves to classes the next day so that no one would know or see. It was really bad, at that moment for me. The first break up with him was the worst, as I would sometimes find myself locked in the college's bathroom just to cry myself out and after that return to class with a smile on my face. Those period of planning for my final year exhibition with my committee members were bad for me too, as I couldn't get my head into it, often distracted and found myself easily getting angry at my members whenever they fail to complete a simple tasks I assigned them to do. Not to say, my studies were going downhill as I didn't show much progression to my lecturer.
I was a mess. A huge mess.
Because at that moment I know that he was the person that I had loved the most in my life (besides my family, of course), and not being able to talk to him again felt like my whole world had been taken away, and that's definitely not what I deserve. Not what I have done to deserve
It was then my 21st birthday, and he wasn't around to celebrate with me, God knows where he was. Thankfully, my best friends really did throw a surprise party for me, and that, I did felt a little better after all that has happened.
Days in college, I had to just dragged myself to attend classes, sometimes skipping meals because I didn't want to see him around (funny how his peers are also mine). On and off, I'd faced backstabbing from some of the people in my batch, how they spread rumors about me on God knows what it is. I was beaten, and broken.
It was then, we both decided to settle the problem between us and got back together again - I gave him a second chance. I know despite how bad the problem was before, I knew for the fact that I still have deep feelings for him and that I still wanted him back badly.
Days and months passed, things seem to be going well again.
Until few months later, we got ourselves into a really huge fight. It was doing my intern period. I remember how jaded I look when I was in the office, how my face didn't shine a single ray of light. We argued constantly over something really big (I'm not going to state it here). Slowly, this arguments turned into serious fights, shouting and swearing at one another. We both lost it.
He then decided to take a break from the relationship, and soon we grew further apart, and then we broke up. Again.
I finished my intern and had passed all that was needed to earn that piece of diploma cert. I had to plan my next chapter in life - where to next?
It was then I finally decided to further my studies to Selangor. I knew for the fact at that moment, there was nothing and no one holding me back, I wanted to leave this place so badly, and start a new life.
Then came him, apologizing for his wrongs, and I did too, for all the words I've said that have hurt him. And yeah, you're right, he did as for a chance to get back with him together again. At that instance, I knew that if I said yes, it would be a long distance relationship, and the fact that we will not be able to see each other often - will that eventually make us grow further apart one day, after all that we have been through?
Somehow I said yes again, but God knows how much I still loved him at that moment, and how not being able to speak to him everyday would kill me. I began doubting myself if I should really continue on my studies or stay here with him because I was afraid that me being away might make me the cause of loosing this relationship all over again.
In the end, I went. It was hard for both of us, and I missed him more everyday.
Being apart was not as easy as I thought it would be, wishing that he was by your side every single day, especially when you are having a bad day and you needed someone to hold you and tell you that everything's gonna be alright. You have to learn how to be independent and be your own hero, and sometimes just cry yourself to sleep if faced with a problem.
Months have passed, and with him being busy at his new workplace, I somehow felt that we were growing apart. What we said that we will do to keep each other feel close, we never really did it. Our thinking, mentality, start to change, and I realized we both have different dreams and goals for the future. I came to realized that we did not really have much of an interest in common - you know, something that we love doing together, a passion.
Skip pass all that had happened between us, and how we broke up for the final time, again, but at some point in this relationship, I did thought that he would be the one I will spend the rest of my life with, and I've been trying to make it work, even though it hurts so much, but I just couldn't. We just couldn't, no matter how hard we tried. The timing was always off.
You could say he was my soulmate, the one who broke down all my walls, the one who saw who I really am, and the one who made me realized a lot about myself. This relationship had changed me on so many ways - in a good way, of course.
We tried.
Perhaps in another lifetime we would be perfect together…but not in this one.
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THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY.
It didn't take me that long till I finally got over my second. Maybe it was because I was so hurt after, and leaving him behind had made my life a happier place to be in. Friends said I look more cheerful now, not being all emo up anymore. And I did felt it myself to, I was happier, relieved, like a heavy load has got off my shoulders. Don't get me wrong, I did loved him, but it was just really hard for us to keep going on in circles and I didn't want to feel that for my whole life. I just wanted to be happy, wanted him to be happy.
And then, came someone. Who was almost perfect. And by perfect, I mean perfect perfect.
He says all the right things, he does all the right things, he's someone who you ever imagined you wanted. But then I came to realized that maybe I didn't deserve this perfection, maybe I wasn't ready for it, maybe it was too good to be true. He was the good looking kind of cute, had the best features, the one that many girls would fall for just for his looks, and I told myself that maybe I don't deserve this, I mean, look at me. People say that 'The One That Got Away' are the ones who knows how to like, but never to love you.
He would go to the nearest convenient store to buy you food just to make sure you don't go hungry, make sure you fall asleep first before he did, makes jokes just to see you laugh and makes time for you so that you both can get your assignments done together.
But there was something missing and I started to doubt maybe he just didn't like me the way I like him.
For just a couple of months.
Almost there, almost ready, but not really.
The One That Got Away offers you everything you thought
you wanted, he offers nothing you know you need. And what you need is
more time.
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THE BAD BOY.
I don't have much to describe about this, because it was indeed only for a very brief moment. The say that the bad boys are always the one who walks away, but never leaves you empty-handed. This person had made me realized who I am and who I want to be. He made me realized who I really want to love. He had taught me to push my limits and be out of my comfort zone, and this had caused a change in my life now.
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And so, I have many friends who kept asking me when will I ever start getting myself into a serious relationship again. All I have been through, the good times, the heartbreaks, had made me realized that most importantly I need to learn how to love myself completely first. To accept and trust myself fully.
Being in my longest relationship - which was about two and a half years made me forgot how does it feel like to be single and free all over again. I think, the only thing I missed about being in a relationship is having someone whom you could go to whenever you need or to share about your day and whatever life brings you on the phone till you both fall asleep. Knowing that through the good times and even the bad, you got each others' back.
As they say, enjoy the freedom you have right now while you still have it.
No regrets.
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THE ONE?
Yet to be discovered.
